Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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