I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
