i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
