I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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