Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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