My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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