I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
