Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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