He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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