Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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