I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
it's great music for shaving your balls
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Damn victory sex feels great
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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