Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
