she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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