Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
