just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
