i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
