the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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