Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
