Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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