So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
