I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
