Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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