there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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