I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Randomize
