Nicole vs. Life
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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