The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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