I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Randomize
