Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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