I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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