we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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