best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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