His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
