i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
