I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
it's like heaven, but drunker
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Randomize
