you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
