One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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