look no pants
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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