Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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