I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
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