when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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