I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
