I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
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My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
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i've created a new STD.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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