I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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