If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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