sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
