i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
