I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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