As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
