I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
