I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
