They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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