Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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