I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
