In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
