I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
