Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
