i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
