My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
