We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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