i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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