He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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