when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
